Thursday, February 25, 2010

A Whisper in the Darkness

I will start by simply writing...I love my Lord Jesus, more than I can express in words....This has nothing to do with the topic at hand, I just felt led to write it...Now, I'm gonna scream it..Not a real good idea at 1:10 in the morning..My husband (Pablo) is use to my random out bursts when it comes to Jesus.. O.k. onto topic - "disobedience"..A time I was disobedient? And how did the Lord deal with it? When I think of a time of my disobedience all I can really think of is a time almost 5 years ago when I had turned my back on the Lord due to conflict, confusion, lies and offense...For those who know me, they know I do everything in excellence..So, when I'm disobedient I do it ALL THE WAY!!..This was a time in my life when everything that once had made sense and mattered , no longer mattered..As I mentioned my disobedience was the 100% turning away from God, I turned my back on the cross and the love of my Savior...It's really crazy how the whole thing started...I imagine it had all been transpiring for some time, I just did not know about it..Any way it happened, I walked away from everything I had known and everything I had come to believe as truth...As a matter of fact I didn't walk away, I drove about 900 miles away into the city of Charlotte NC...Yes, I did ..My husband and I sold everything we owned and moved our family away from all the pain and heartache of our soon to be past...What kills me is how much deception we were walking in, hidden of course by the stronghold of bitterness and unforgiveness..We all know what those two things do to us..They blind us from the truth and hold us in bondage to our emotions...DANGEROUS!! We left Cape Cod Ma with the hopes of starting over and leaving it all behind...What we soon came to realize is that we left Jesus behind..Saints, my disobedience came when I refused to listen to the instruction of the word, when it came to the dealings of integrity, character and unresolved issues..Oh come on now...You should know by now that I am not ashamed of my past or short comings...I left my home in Ma because I was running away from my problems, masking it with it being God's release or timing....NOT!!! The sad thing about all of this is that I had become so disobedient and felt so seperated from God..That I no longer cared about anything..Really... I cared about nothing..I entered back into my life of parties and night clubs..Jesus and my salvation was a thing of the past, a distant memory, that I intentionally kept locked up in the depths of my despair..Uhhgg, I hated that...How did Christ deal with this??How did He deal with me??Well that's easy..He did it in love, unconditional love, with mercy and grace..I felt Him tugging at my heart, He sent people to speak into my life..He got my attention in the still of the night...Jesus, my Father reminded me of my promise..Just about 3 years ago, I rededicated my life to Christ and began a deep healing process, seeking for the root of my disobedience searching for answers about what made me stumble..I began looking deep inside myself....The more I looked (and listened) I heard a familiar still, small voice calling my name..He was telling me to trust Him..He told me to lay my burdens down..I did just that..I called out to Him , He answered, Jesus heard my cry that day in a small brick church in Monroe, NC..In my disobedience Jesus waited for me..He waited for me to once again choose Him over all my sorrow...Jesus, choose me, healed me and restored me, my family and my long awaited reconciliation to my church family on Cape Cod MA..JESUS DEALT WITH ME..In my disobedience, He handled me with tender, loving care...How else would He have done it??