Saturday, February 13, 2010

Until we meet again...

So much has changed in my life in the last 6 months....It really shouldn't be that shocking, from the first day of receiving the Lord as my Savior it has been an on going process of healing... A roller coaster ride of emotions...Ups and Downs, around sharp corners at serious speeds, you know with every movement your stomach feels sick??..I feel led by the Holy Spirit to share something with all who read this blog...The most recent change in my life began about 6 weeks ago...I now have the awesome privilege of being The Shepherd of an amazing group of people...We meet every Sunday, we have Bible Studies , dance teams...etc..etc..We share a passion for The Kingdom and Gods people...But what I want to share with you is the time we all spend together in our mid week meeting..The Lord placed the topic of "Pulling Down Strongholds" on my heart..This is something I have studied(myself) for a long time..I went through a very difficult season in my walk and was determined to find out what was the "real" problem or issues that lay deep within my soul...Deeper than my surface struggles and sin... This may be uncomfortable for some to read due to its controversial subject...However, I am who I am, not who I was...My past doesn't matter any more any way....Behold all things are new...Like I said earlier my journey with Jesus has been one of discovery, repentance, truth suffering ,freedom and blessings...(up, down, up, down)The list could go on and on....O.K. enough stalling.......I was 15 years old(1985) and pregnant....I had a boyfriend and obviously sexually active. I told my mom and we decided to take me out of public school and enroll me into a teen mother program(awful)..There was so much confusion and chaos going on around me and inside of me..Lots of people had expressed their opinions on what they thought would be best for me and my unborn child...I was being pulled on all different directions...I was ashamed and scared...I don't remember when the decision came about that I was going to have an abortion...But, that ended up as the final answer...It was a long bus ride to the clinic that day, my mom and I left at 5 am, to get to the appointment on time to get anesthesia..I walked up the sidewalk and saw people holding signs with disgusting photographs, they were yelling at me and told me I was murdering my baby..My mind was racing, a baby??....I didn't know....They brought me in the room took an ultrasound(they would not let me see)..Put an I.V. in my arm ,as tears rolled down my face I fell asleep...I woke up in a cold recovery room with several other women, except I was the only one screaming....I was yelling where is he, my baby where?? Tell me what it was..It was a boy right..It was a boy!!!They scolded me, telling me to be quiet..They gave me a pill and moved me into a private area....The rest I have no memory of...Next, I remember I was back on the bus on my way home....Throughout my christian journey, I have often revisited this instance and have forgiven every one involved including myself...(so I thought)...Well, Wednesday night I was at my mid week meeting discussing all I had learned in the area of strongholds and Christian freedom from past sin and spiritual bondage..We had an awesome night of confessions, healing and freedoms..I went home, read the Word and fell asleep(as usual)..I had a dream that night (disturbing), I wasn't going to mention it to anyone because it was so strange, but the visions wouldn't go away...I finally told a friend who is gifted in the area of dream symbolism and interpretation, she explained and clarified the message....The dream was a message to me regarding the condition of my heart, I was still harboring the emotions of inadequacy, pain and grief...My dream had a beautiful baby boy in it....My friend thought it represented my"first born son".....The rest of the dream had so much symbolism in reference to the adequacy issue, my past, my purpose, my church....on and on..My first born son??This connection was not where all of these above issues "stemmed" from....We both began to pray and the Lord brought me back to the recovery room of the clinic....MY SHAME!!!..I murdered my baby...I thought I was healed from this a long time ago..Why am I crying??Last night I revisited this place in the spirit and realized I had not forgiven myself completely...Last night I remembered that at 15 years old I had chosen a name for my unborn child and I was convinced that this child was a boy...I GAVE THIS UNBORN CHILD HIS NAME IN THE PRESENCE OF MY SAVIOR...His name is Nicholas Michael...In the spirit my Jesus, let me look into the eyes of this child, hold him in my arms , kiss his face and tell him I was sorry...The Lord stretched out His arms, looking at me with eyes of compassion, I placed Nicholas into His arms and watched Jesus take this child into heaven...Where he will be waiting for me...Today I have reflected on the face of this child and on the face of my King..Today, I have forgiven myself...Thank you my redeemer, my savior and my friend....